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posted on: January 12, 2009 8:20pm
Summary: Cockroaches breeding in my ear?
Dear Satanico P. Squirrel ,
For the past 3 days my left ear has been plugged up and I can't hear much. I'm afraid a cockroach crawled in there in the night and is propogating as I type this. I want to go to the doctor but I'm afraid of the embarassment and the shear horror of the truth. What should I do? I eagerly await your sound advice.
Signed,
auroraBalice
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replied on: January 12, 2009 11:03pm
Dear auroraBalice,
One has to hope you are seriously kidding. Still, perhaps only a single roach would be laying eggs there. If there are truly two or more roaches in there, fucking wildly, then you've an extra amount of space in the middle of your head compared to most folks...and...well...Hell, just read on because I've got a feeling about you.
I remember the time when Richie Jitters was trying to swallow a handful of diamonds so I wouldn't kill him. His immediate fate was that he was in the passenger seat of my old sedan while we were out at the shipyard. I cranked the engine and floored the gas. Richie started choking on the diamonds because they were larger than he figured them to be. I clicked my seat belt quickly, and at the point of reaching about 83 miles per hour, I drove straight into a railcar/steel container. Minutes later, after being a new supporter of airbags only on the driver's side, I stumbled out of the car and looked onto what was left of the front hood. Richie had gone completely through the windshield, hit the railcar busting his back and shoulder up a bunch and had completely broken his lower jaw and teeth out. The diamonds also came dislodged from his throat. Fortunately I had long possessed good enough eyes to spot the difference between diamonds and pieces of broken glass. I got my diamonds back.
The point of this lies in what I told Richie as he bled to death on my torn up sedan hood. "That's inertia, Richie...it's what happens when an object resists a sudden change in motion...dipshit." So...likewise...my advice to you is that if you really live in enough filth that you've allowed roaches to whore out your ear, then here's what I want you to do. I want you to pick the two furthest walls of your home, stand with your back towards one wall, face the other far wall, turn your head sideways thus pointing your roach stuffed ear towards the far wall and then run as fast as you can, ear first into the far wall. Do this as many times as it takes to use inertia to dislodge the roach(es). I hope it takes at least seventeen attempts.
Until next time,
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COMMENTS:
Commented on: June 29, 2010 9:38pm by RFlatstoneThe problem is not in the extraction of the alleged roach from your auditory canal, it's the priority placed on embarrassment over health. Put another way, which is more embarrassing? "Hey, Doc, I got a roach in my ear. Can you get it out?" or "Hey, Doc, I've permanently lost my hearing because I allowed a roach to chew through my tympanic membrane and die. Could you help me clear up the infection before it spreads to my brain?"
Commented on: January 14, 2009 8:35pm by LazarusWow. I thought I had issues with pests, but my intestinal friends are no match for your brain bugs, lady. Kudos to you.
A common problem from my childhood. Cockroaches will walk into the ear, and find that they cannot walk backwards, if it is truly a roach the scraping legs will drive you nuts as it will try to push its way to freedom. Make a funnel out of paper and stick small end in your ear. Make a vacuum at large end by lighting a candle or for the truly adventurous light the funnel. Cockroach will get sucked out and you can now have the upperhand. Botannicas and Bodegas sell kits for this as it is common in the ghettoes where I grew up. Live and learn, good luck. Commented on: May 16, 2009 10:09am by LazarusWouldn't a simpler solution be to genetically alter cockroaches to enable them to walk backwards? That would be crapsville for the business model of Botannicas and Bodegas though. |
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