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posted on: January 6, 2009 7:25pm
Summary: example letter
Dear Satanico P. Squirrel ,
I'm a 38 year-old vampire living in a small neighborhood of Chicago. My problem is that I have a neighbor with a loud yappy dog. All day while I'm trying to sleep, the blasted thing is outside on the neighbor's porch yapping. During the evening, when I'm on the prowl, it's safely inside. Should I call the police and lodge a compaint against my neighbor? Or perhaps I can take up a petition throughout the neighborhood.
Signed,
Sleepless in Chicago
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replied on: January 8, 2009 8:23pm
Dear Sleepless in Chicago,
I'm assuming that you just mean you're a figurative vampire...just one who sleeps days and works nights because if you were a real vampire, I'd like to think you'd have just eaten that little fucker by now. Still, as it turns out, I have a bit of advice for you based on what I've experienced:
I remember being a boy and just wanting to ride my bike as much as possible. I was always finding new streets in the neighborhood and exploring new routes to take. Unfortunately it one day became almost impossible to simply ride around the block. There was a family called the Halls that bought themselves a retired K9 officer...a German Shepard that used to be a policeman's sidekick. This dog hated everything that moved, and even though on a leash that was staked into the front yard, if you didn't know he was there, he'd bite your tires and then some. I think that dog was among the first living creatures that I learned to hate...and eventually exact vengeance upon. For whatever reason, it just occurred to me that I could try to fill my bike tires with something besides air and mostly because my stepfather had bottles of acetelyne, argon and other welding or torch gases. I filled the tires up with the more flammable gas, of course and set out around the block soon after with a pocket full of those snap-pops fireworks that are "safe for kids." It was rather funny to see the dog start tearing into my tires followed by throwing a handful of snap-pops that ignited and engulfed him in this bluish flame. The Halls all came outside screaming and trying to put out their burning pet, all the while I remember yelling that he could burn in Hell for ruining my bike.
Things were said, the police got involved and no one really ever proved what I did or how I did it. The Halls never looked at me the same either. They actually bought another dog, a mutt and whenever they even heard me or any kid riding a bike, they'd quickly bring their dog inside. So...what I'm saying is, if you want to end a dog problem...learn chemistry...learn evasive chemistry that is untraceable. Even if your neighbor suspects you did such a heinous thing, they will still fear and respect you...probably won't even make noise themselves anymore around you. Silence is golden.
Until next time,
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COMMENTS:
Commented on: June 29, 2010 9:15pm by RFlatstoneI realize this is an old question now, but I really have something useful to add. TWO other options - both should help in a situation like this. Neither is lethal which, of course, would be the most expedient solution. The only problem there is that, I think, in Chicago, the penalty for harming an animal is worse than harming a human. (IDK, six of one, half a dozen of the other)
Anyway, when I was a kid, there was this neighborhood cat - a real POS bastard of a cat - that used to attack the neighborhood kids (seriously) and killed birds and left them all over our property. My dad had some kerosene in the garage, so I caught the cat and applied some liberally on the exit of its digestive system. No, I didn't light it (thought that IS an option) because, as you can guess, a combustible hydrocarbon on a mucous membrane can be painfully irritating (much like the cat itself). It was quite satisfying to watch that cat shuffle around dragging it's backside through the grass trying to rub it off. However, when it bolted from me, that was the last time I ever saw that cat on my property.
Second option, more humane and possibly more trouble than it's worth, get one of those hypersonic sound generators - the kind that are painful to dogs' ears (and deer, it turns out). Every time the dog wakes you, blast it. The dog will instantly stop barking (may whine in pain) and the neighbor will have no idea why. Now, if the dog is as dumb as I suspect, it may take a while to learn that the painful noise is a consequence of barking, but it WILL learn.
One final thought - Record the dogs barking and blast it from your stereo at your neighbors in the middle of the night. Yeah, they'll probably call the cops on you, but it would sure make your point.
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