Salutations my little mortal coils. Uncle Laz is back! Called out of movie review retirement to force-feed you a steaming pile of indie horror flick called Edges of Darkness.

Uncle Lazzy and his sweetie Narcissa have moved into a swanky new condo with a real mailbox! Mist was tired of shelling out for video rentals for our ancient VCR so he sprang for the Netflix. You wouldn't believe the crazy crap you can find tucked away in there. Point in case... Edges of Darkness is a rambling 87-minute zombie dissertation. Literally.

It's the story of fiction-obsessed writer who’s in the middle of a zombie apocalypse and seems to be dictating two other concurrent storylines in real-time. Make sense? Don't sweat it; didn't make sense to me either and I watched it twice before sliding it back into its handy red envelope.

So this selfish blogger kid Dean (Jay Costello) and his wife Dana (Alisha Gaddis) are trapped in their apartment with a zombie invasion happening outside. They watch their landlord get ripped apart on the lawn without making a move to help despite the fact that he's the one that's been keeping the generator for the apartment building running.

Dana is so desperate for companionship, she befriends a zombie outside her bedroom window and chats with it whenever she gets lonely. She slips off to Slumberland one particularly despondent night and dreams of dancing with her undead pal. Things get a little "uncomfortable" when pals of her zombie pal cut-in and take her for a spin. You know I'm not easily moved by artsy-fartsy crap, so don't think I've passed an organ when I say that this zombie-waltz dream segment is kind of endearing and multi-layered.

Meanwhile, Dean is writing some kind of anti-Christ into existence in the midst of the same holocaust. Heather (Michelle Rose) is a bad-ass weapon-laden hottie who'd rather kick a puppy than talk about her feelings. In a weak moment, she saves a kid and his mom. Turns out the kid's the anti-Christ and a band of perverted priests are out to stop him and anyone who helps him.

After defeating the priests and a butt-ton of zombies, Heather and the adorable anti-Christ run off together and... apparently have many terrific adventures together? End of that story.

Elsewhere in the city, maybe or maybe not controlled by Dean's nonstop writing, live Stan (Alonzo F. Jones) and Stellie (Shamika Ann Franklin), two down-on-their-luck vampires who are forced to fight through the zombies outside to find healthy humans to keep as food-bags on heels. Smart blood-suckers!

Stan brings home even hotter hottie Natalie (Annemarie Pazmino) and explains that everyone will get along fine if she just gives the two a hypodermic full of blood every now and again. Things go sour for them though when they discover that there's something about Natalie's blood that doesn't quite sit right. Too lethargic to defend themselves, only one of them survives. Doesn't matter which because we're not sure if they really exist or are just part of Dean's cabin-feverish lunacy. End of that story.

Back at Dean and Dana's place, there's something going on with an organic computer part that feeds on the life-force of rats, plants, and humans. Dean's awfully excited when he gets the part in the mail (it seems that the mail's been sitting ignored in the box for the duration of the undead siege). This piece of bio-technology eventually takes over the houseplant unlucky enough to be next to the CPU, then Dena, and in the eventually and thankfully, in case you didn't see it coming, Dean gets his comeuppance for being a SuperNerdWad to his wife.

What I like about this indie effort is that the best actor is also the youngest. The jive talking kid Marcus (Xavier Jones) has a natural acting ability that the other actors have either forgotten since their own days of innocence, or they just never had. That is, with the exception of Alfonzo Jones who gives a convincing performance as the gruff sanguisuge Stan.

He and his she-pire keep a nondescript case (reminds me of my old eight-track caddy from '65) on their buffet that's as secret and unimportant as that, you know, other case in Pulp Fiction. It plays music when it's opened. Or maybe that's just implied. I dunno.

This film is as rambling as a phalanx of Roman soldiers in a Chinese brothel. And that's actually pretty entertaining. Since it's so bizarre, the story can't help but be fresh and interesting even if as convoluted as my decimated colon. My biggest complaint? As the first angry zombie, I feel it could have used a lot more undead. But hey, who's counting? I graciously bestow three coveted danglers on this heap.